The Paradise Prayer Hotline

Many Christian evangelist TV channels and websites advertise ‘prayer hotline’ phone numbers. Not that it bothers me personally, but I find it hard to understand why Christians don’t resent the flagrant commercialisation of their religion. Do they not find it tacky?! If God exists, is this the sort of presentation of which he approves?

This got me thinking about how God might handle prayers himself, in heaven. After all, I know he is everywhere at once and knows everything, but there must be millions of people praying simultaneously at any given time. God is, of course, male, and everyone knows that men can’t multitask. Surely he needs just a little help to keep on top of it all?

How about a call centre . . .

________________________________________________________________________

Oh Lord,

Bring bring

Bring bring

A woman’s voice, soft, soothing and dreamlike.

Operator: Hello, and welcome to the Paradise Prayer Hotline. Please press the * key on your telephone’s keypad now.

Presses * key.

Operator: Thank you. Please choose from the following options:

If you would like to recite a previously learned prayer, e.g. ‘The Lord’s Prayer’, press 1.

If you would like to pray about a current event in your life, press 2.

To hear these options again, press #.

Presses 2.

Operator: Thank you. You selected option 2. Please choose from the following options:

If you have a terminally ill relative who you’d like to be healed, press 1.

If you are suffering financial hardship and are seeking a lottery win or other windfall, press 2.

If you have sinned and would like forgiveness, press 3.

If you have recently encountered infidels and would like to pray for their souls, press 4.

If you have a job interview, court case or presentation coming up and would like divine assistance, press 5.

If you are planning a journey and would like divine assurance of safe travelling, press 6.

If you are in love with someone who does not return your affection and would like divine aid in wooing them, press 7.

If you are doubting your beliefs and need divine help strengthening your faith, press 8.

For all other prayer requests, press 9.

To hear these options again, press #.

Presses 4.

Operator: Thank you. You selected option 4. Please choose from the following options:

If the infidels you encountered were atheists, press 1.

If the infidels you encountered were Muslims, press 2.

If the infidels you encountered were Jews, press 3.

If the infidels you encountered were Buddhists, press 4.

If the infidels you encountered were Sikhs, press 5.

If the infidels you encountered were Hindus, press 6.

If the infidels you encountered were Catholic, press 7.

If the infidels you encountered were Protestant, but from a different denomination from yours, press 8.

If the infidels you encountered were any other religion, press 9.

To hear these options again, press #.

Presses 1.

Operator: Thank you. You selected option 1. Please choose from the following options:

If you wish to pray for the souls of the infidels you encountered to be saved, press 1.

If you wish to pray for the souls of the infidels you encountered to burn in Hell for all eternity, press 2.

To hear these options again, press #.

Presses 2.

Operator: Thank you. Your prayer request is being processed. Please hold the line . . .

Music: A church choir sings Ave Maria.

Woman’s voice cuts in.

Operator: Please stay on the line. Your prayer is important to us.

Music continues.

Operator: Please stay on the line. Your prayer is important to us.

Music continues.

Woman’s voice cuts in.

Operator: Thank you. Your prayer request has been processed, and will be reviewed by God within the next 24 hours. Your PRRN (Prayer Request Reference Number) is JC777.

Thank you. If you would like to start a new prayer request, press 1. Otherwise, press 2.

Presses 2.

Thank you. May the Lord be with you, and good bye. You may now hang up.