A Load of Bright
An atheist's views on religion and the supernatural

Just for laughs


Regular readers of this blog will have realised how greatly I value humour. No More Hornets has observed that atheists are seriously discriminated when it comes to starring roles in jokes, and I’m inclined to agree. He posted a great list, but I’d like to add two more. (By the way, do read the second one, it’s not quite the same.)

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An atheist is out fishing on Loch Ness, when suddenly the Loch Ness Monster bursts out from the water, capsizing the boat and hurling him 50 feet into the air. As he falls through the air in the direction of the monster’s open, expectant jaws, he cries out in desperation, “Oh God! Help me!”.

Time freezes, and he is suspended in mid air. The clouds open up, and a deep voice booms from the skies, “I thought you didn’t believe in me?”.

“Give me a break” the atheist says, “I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!”.

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An atheist is wondering through woodland on a nature walk, admiring the beautiful surroundings. As he ponders the amazing universe we live in, an angry bear emerges from behind a tree, and begins to chase him. The atheist runs for his life, dashing through clearings, jumping logs and trying to lose the bear, but he’s not quick enough and eventually he trips. The bear looms over him, teeth sparkling and claws showing. The atheist screams, “Oh God! Help me!”.

Time freezes, and he lies with a statue bear towering over him. A deep, booming voice from the sky says, “you have denied me your entire life. You have blasphemed, fornicated, lied, stolen and generally sinned for years. You have turned others against me. You have walked with the Devil. Why should I help you now?”

“Er, fair point,” says the atheist, “you’ve got me on that one. But could you just do one thing for me, and make the bear a Christian?”.

God sighs, and reluctantly says, “very well”.

Time resumes, but the bear stops in his tracks. “I’m saved!”, the atheist cries.

The bear sits on the floor with his legs crossed, closes his eyes, and puts his paws together. “Dear Lord. For the food we are about to receive, make us eternally grateful…”

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7 Responses to “Just for laughs”

  1. What are the three hardest words for an atheist to say?

    I don’t know.

    Heard that one from an agnostic.

  2. I think the first one would scan better if it replaced “atheist” with “sceptic”. The second one is funny though. 🙂

  3. I love the word “nulifidian” especially as used by Thomas Huxley. Almost as good as “tergiversate”.

    I do like the joke as a “skeptics” joke. My big complaint about skeptics is that they’re too sure of things.

  4. Christianity is an easy target, but I don’t care… it’s better than laughing at the hard targets.

    Homer: I wiped a booger on your shirt, I made a dog and a cat kiss, I swiped a bolted down tv from a holiday inn, I coveted the wife in Jaws 2, I lied to a waiter, I masturbated 8 billion times and I have no plans to stop masturbating in the future. Woohoo I’m clean! In your face lord!

  5. An agnostic insomniac dyslexic is a person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

    (Spoken by Rowan Atkinson wearing a devil costume and reading from a roll call): Atheists? Yes, just form a line on my right here. I bet you’re feeling like a right lot of nitwits now, eh?

    James Mill, to his brother John Stuart: There is no God, but it’s a family secret.

    Woody Allen: Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on the weekends.

  6. And then there’s Julia Sweeney’s parents discovering that she is an atheist by reading about it in a newspaper:

    “Not believing in God they could just about take. But an atheist!”

  7. Alex wrote:

    An agnostic insomniac dyslexic is a person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

    Hahaha! Brilliant! 😀


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